A Little Birther Humor

Why does President Obama hate the new Arizona immigration law so intensely? 

Happy Birthday, Grandpa Jerry!

It's April 28th and for a lotta years, and I mean a lotta years, this day has been Grandpa Jerry's birthday.

We knew it was coming, so we baked a cake.

Our Lab's New Computer Youthanizing Program

Smitty, the backbone of The Other McCain, recently posted a short piece that critiqued some Progressive repetitive, whiny invective. He states, "After 4.5 years at sea and 3 deployments in the Navy, I can pronounce these callers unimaginative."

That got me wondering about Smitty's naval career. We've all seen recent pictures of Chris in various situations, but I have never seen one of him in his younger days. Naturally, I instructed the scientists in our secret basement laboratory to write a computer program that would take a picture of any individual and 'youthanize' him or her to allow us to view his visage from an earlier time.

After the program was completed we took this picture of Smitty with Tabitha Hale. (Tabitha was using a special ultrasound technique to assess Smitty's intracranial density.)

The program went to work using the photo, Tabitha's data, and Rick Baker's unmatched talents and came up with The Young Smitty:

I expect that this youthanized image of Smitty is quite accurate.

Speaking in Tongues

According to Mark Steyn I am multilingual:

Everybody knows that when you say “I’m becoming very concerned about unsustainable levels of federal spending,” that’s old Jim Crow code for “Let’s get up a lynching party and teach that uppity Negro a lesson.”

That certainly fulfills the Apostle Paul's command in I Corinthians 14: "If any speak in a tongue, ..., and let one interpret."

I'm glad the Left is so adept at interpretation of tongues.

Happy National Pretzel Day!

Congratulations, Democrats. I didn't know you had your very own Day!

(H.T. Carol.)

Our Fecal Bowelprint is Destroying the Planet

Scientists and the IPCC agree. The debate is over. If we don't act immediately, the planet will die. At our present rate of political feces production the sewer levels will rise by 25 feet by the year 2035. Billions will die from cholera, E. coli, and drowning in fecal flooding. Puppies, kittens, fuzzy bunnies, butterflies, and unicorns will become extinct.

Lance Burri, The TrogloPundit, has begun to lead the effort against this looming catastrophe by starting the Bowel Party Movement. Through Lance, one will be able to buy 'Fecal Offsets' to assist in counteraction efforts to slow and stop the destruction of our beloved free nation. These funds will be used in two ways. First, Lance has contracted our secret basement laboratory scientists to culture massive quantities of fecophilic bacteria to fight the threat directly. Second, Lance is developing a recycling program to deal with Liberal and RINO politicians. They will be sent off to 'spend more time with their families.' Other efforts will include direct conflict with individual turds such as 'social justice,' 'expanding entitlements,' 'higher taxation,' 'Big Government,' and many, many more Federal and state crap piles.

We have obtained one of Lance's first promotional photographs:

Simile of the Day

Having the President Obama Regime oversee the auto industry, health care, and the financial system is like having Charles Manson regulate the Manson Family.

Czar Charles

Squeaky and Tex

ACORN's Bertha Lewis is Correct; Tea Parties Are Bowel Movements

There are many ridiculing Bertha Lewis' statements while speaking at a Commies-in-Training meeting recently. The Chief Nut of ACORN likened the Tea Party Movement to a 'bowel movement.'

She is 100% accurate. I applaud her knowledge of human gastrointestinal physiology.

A bowel movement expels waste in the form of feces from the body.

The Tea Parties are working to expel waste as well.

Nicely done, Bertha 'Flatus' Lewis.

I can't wait for the next Tea Bagging Bowel Movement Party. I'm bringin' the Ex-Lax.

Democrats Angling Toward Overturning Roe v. Wade

About a week and a half ago, on Saturday morning the 10th of April, President Obama left the White house without his press corps. The story goes that he wanted to see his daughter's soccer game, but it was over before anyone could verify.

*****

About a week and a half ago, on Saturday morning the 10th of April, several buddies and I were sitting in the corner tavern enjoying a few celebratory beers. As we clanked bottles together to honor our great achievement, a man stepped just inside the door and looked around. He was wearing a dark suit and dark glasses. He opened the door and signaled to someone outside. Two other men walked in. One looked like the identical twin of the first and the other was a tall, thin, light skinned Black man about 45 years of age.

As they approached the bar, Joe the bartender, started to ask, "Aren't you...?," but was cut off by the tall man who said, "I'm Billy Bob Jefferson from Alabama, just a regular American guy. Barkeep, give me a Budweezer and a Kobe with arugula on San Francisco sourdough.

Joe nodded and asked the other two what they wanted. They didn't respond, but just kept scoping out the scene. Joe shook his head and drew a Miller from the tap and proceeded to make a peanut butter and jelly with liverwurst on white bread sandwich for the Pres... er, Billy Bob.

Billy Bob glanced our way and asked, "It's a little early for you guys to be drinking, isn't it?"

Tom replied, "No, sir, we are still drinking from last night's softball game. We finally won one."

Billy Bob sat at a nearby table as his two friends stoically stood in strategic positions nearby with their heads on swivels. "Hey, you all, whaddaya think about those tea baggers? Pretty wierd, un-American bunch, eh?"

"Uhhh, no, sir. We all attend every tea party that we can. It is a movement that arises from the conservative character of the American people who have chosen to speak against the increase of federal government power and intrusion. We are hoping that these statements will lead to a change in the direction of America back toward the vision of the Founding Fathers. The growth of the tea parties leads one to suspect major changes in the legislative and executive branches of our government."

The two suits reached inside their coats and kept their hands there.

Billy Bob stuttered, "Uhhh, yeah, uhhhh, me, too! I hear the Democrats are pretty scared about it. I also hear that they gots a plan to blunt the effectiveness of the tea party movement."

"Oh, yeah? What's that?"

"They say that they are going to repeal Roe v. Wade. They think that will appease the Christians and defuse the bomb."

"That's rich! Never happen. The feminists will go nucyular on 'em!"

"Nah! The feminists are a nearly extinct sub-species. A few threats to the media and the Nags won't be heard from at all. Besides, where else are they going to go? To the Republicans?"

"How on earth would they get repeal through Congress?"

"A little arm twisting... a few bribes... and the knowledge that all those saved babies will either be voters totally dependent on the government or else become tax payers."

"But how would they get it through the court challenges?"

"That's already been taken care of."

"How?"

"We... er, they will call it Kelo v. Roe. Kelo established that private property can be more easily assumed by the government for the public good. Ladies, it may be your body, but the government is going to take control of it by eminent domain. Easy case."

"Brilliant! Abortion will be outlawed and we will have the formerly liberal feminists marching with us in the tea parties!"

"Joe, get Billy Bob a beer... on us!"

"Sorry, guys, but I gotta go. Michelle,... er, I mean my old lady is gonna be pissed."

Impeach George Washington!

When numbers go sour for the Obama Regime they often defend themselves by pointing to their inheritance from the Bush tenure. But why stop there? It's Clinton's fault. No, it's the George H. W. Bush's crap pile. Reagan, Carter, Ford?, Nixon...

George Washington... you're stuck, my friend.

A dead, White, slave-owning male Founder of Northern European descent. Now we're getting somewhere!

Tea Party Infiltrators

I can't entirely be sure, but I suspect that there were infiltrators at the local Tea Party Protest.

Ben Roethlisberger

I've been half-following the Steeler Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger saga of sexual assault accusations and other antics. More and more he is starting to look like an A-1 scumbag.

I would be curious to know what the conversation between him and his sister would sound like during family get-togethers.

(Photo: Left, Getty Images; Right, John Dunn for The New York Times)

"You flash me again, Bennie, and I'll cut off your 'nads and feed them to the dog!"

Obama Appreciation Day

Carol of No Sheeples Here has produced a video thanking President Obama for his policies:



Great job (again), Carol!

The Tops of the Supreme Court Wish List

As Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens prepares to retire, there has been much speculation as to President Obama's probable picks to replace him.

There really is only one on the President's list, the rest are worthy only for smokescreens.

Weekend Update with Henry Litella

"What is all this fuss I hear about the deer having a tough time with bite downs? It's terrible! Deer have enough problems as it is! How are they supposed to eat if they can't bite down?"

""That's Deere, the John Deere Corporation, not Bambi, Ms. Litella, and not bite downs... bottom line writedowns."

"Oh, that's very different...."

"NEVER MIND."

Because We Care; We Recycle

(Chair from ngbiblog.)

(H.T. Neatorama.)

The Shadow Knows

Beside President Obama's patented "You show me yours and I'll show you mine" bow to Hu Jintao, Chinese President, there's something else very odd about this picture.

I just can't quite put my finger on it.

Progressives Movin' on Up

Well we're movin on up,
To the Euro side.
To a Utopian castle in the sky.
Movin on up,
To the Euro side.
We finally took the whole pie.


Voters aren't heard for their bitchin';
Constitution's fryin' on the grill.
Took a whole lotta lyin',
Just to get over that hill.
Now we're rulin' the big leagues,
Gettin' our turn at the bat.
As long as we live, it's you and us, baby,
There ain't nothin wrong with that.

"Wow! If they'd take off these blinders, the view would be really good from up here!"

Presidential Transparency

Unfortunately, April couldn't keep that up for another 16 minutes like President Obama.

(H.T. Snaggletoothie of the Loyal Opposition.)

Badger Smack Around RIT; Head to Finals

The Wisconsin Badger Hockey team blew out the R.I.T. Tigers in the NCAA semi-final this afternoon to await the winner of Boston College and Miami (OH) in Saturday's championship.

Wisconsin scored their first goal only 1:27 into the first period and were not challenged during their 8-1 win.

No Sheeples Here Visits the White House

"Carol, the President, Vice President, and their close advisers will see you now."
---

"Hello, Mish Eeples. Welcome to the Oval Office."

"We commanded your presence here today in hopes of filling the very important position of Sports Prediction Czar in this Administration. As you may already know, the President has only picked a lot of losers lately."

"No, Mish Eeples, we weren't talking about Joe Biden. We were referring to his sports predictions. He has been looking awfully foolish in the one area that he is supposed to have some actual knowledge."

"The President seldom chooses underlings that actually have a proven track record of success, but we understand that you are the ace of the blogosphere as far as predicting champions. You picked and supported the Alabama Crimson Tide for the National Champions in NCAA football. Then you picked and talked up the Duke Blue Devils long before the beginnings of March Madness and that ended with their national championship."

"We have vetted you thoroughly and only have one question remaining..."

"Who will win the 2012 Presidential election?"

Carol softly whispered to the assembled group.

The others erupted:

"Son-of-a-b*tch! Not that #*@$}^& retard!"

"This is a bad f**king deal!"

"This is the last time in my whole adult life that I will be proud of this country, this mean country!"

Carol didn't get the job. However, the Obama Administration used this job offer (as well as that of the newly opened 'Teaching The President To Not Throw Like A Little Girl' Czar) to claim 100,000 jobs created or saved.

Unemployment hovers near 10%.

Obama's Oratory Skills

President Obama's brilliant speaking ability extends far beyond speech writers and teleprompters. Here are a couple of his successful preparatory techniques:

Women in Portland, Maine, March Topless in Protest

Edward D. Murphy, a staff writer for the Portland (Maine) Press Herald, reports on a women's only 'T' Party in Portland on Monday:

About two dozen women marched topless from Longfellow Square to Tommy's Park this afternoon in an effort to erase what they see as a double standard on male and female nudity. [...]

Police said there were no incidents and no arrests – nudity is illegal in Maine only if genitals are displayed.

Apparently, it could have been a 'T and A' Party.

Ty McDowell, who organized the march, said she was "enraged" by the turnout of men attracted to the demonstration. The purpose, she said, was for society to have the same reaction to a woman walking around topless as it does to men without shirts on.

(Emphasis mine.)

However, McDowell said she plans to organize similar demonstrations in the future and said she would be more "aggressive" in discouraging oglers.

What the reporter failed to mention is that THIS is the real reason Ms. McDowell and the other women were enraged:

Time Traveller Arrested Visiting Hadron Collider

Nick Hide reports for Cnet-UK:

A would-be saboteur arrested today at the Large Hadron Collider in Switzerland made the bizarre claim that he was from the future. Eloi Cole, a strangely dressed young man, said that he had travelled back in time to prevent the LHC from destroying the world. [...]

Police said Mr Cole, who was wearing a bow tie and rather too much tweed for his age, would not reveal his country of origin. "Countries do not exist where I am from. The discovery of the Higgs boson led to limitless power, the elimination of poverty and Kit-Kats for everyone. It is a communist chocolate hellhole and I'm here to stop it ever happening." [...]

Mr Cole was taken to a secure mental health facility in Geneva but later disappeared from his cell. Police are baffled, but not that bothered.

Many suspect that Eloi Cole is an alias.

Swiss Police mug shot:

Any tips that may help the police? Please call Nut-Stoppers at 555-6321.

April's Apoplectic Sweater Puppy Rule 5 Frozen Four Competition

Today we feature Sweater Puppies and their bearers from the four remaining teams in the NCAA Tournament:

Boston College Eagles:

Miami (Ohio) Red Hawks:

Wisconsin Badgers:

Rochester Institute of Technology Tigers:

My Proud Swiss Heritage

(H.T. Blazing Cat Fur via Five Foots of Furry.)

Happy Holiday to my Many Non-Christian Friends

I realize that today is a special holiday for many in the U.S. as well as around the world and I would like to wish them the best of a Happy Holiday.

Here is the culmination of their long struggle for legal recognition:

In Florida, an atheist created a case against the upcoming Easter & Passover holy days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against Christians, Jews & observances of their holy days. The argument was....it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized day(s).

The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, “Case dismissed.”

The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, “Your honor, how can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have Christmas, Easter & others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur & Hanukkah. Yet my client and all other atheists have no such holidays.”

The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, “But you do. Your client, counsel, is woefully ignorant.”

The lawyer said, “Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance or holiday for atheists.”

The judge said. The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm 14:1 states, “The fool says in his heart, there is no God.” Thus, it is the opinion of this court, that if your client says there is no God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day. Court is adjourned.

(H.T. theblogprof.)

The Straw That Broke Guam's Back

U.S. Representative Hank Johnson of Georgia opines that the deployment of 8,000 sailors to the American territorial island of Guam will cause the island to 'tip over and capsize.' As reported by Mark Hemmingway on WashingtonExaminer.com:

Rep. Hank Johnson, D-Ga., was questioning Admiral Robert Willard about the Navy's plans to relocate 8,000 personnel and their families to Guam. After noting at some length that the island is narrow, Johnson says "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated it will tip over and capsize."

Guam today:

Guam shortly after U.S. Navy invasion:

 

(H.T. El Paco.)

UPDATE: Rush Limbaugh said this morning that Representative Johnson is gravely ill by a long battle with Hep C. My condolences to him and his family. But what the hay is he doing up there?