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The Axis of Fedora Special Forces Units

There was a small intra-Axial spat going on over at The Other McCain a few days ago. The issue arose as to whether or not Paco was a member of good standing among the Axis of Fedora.

Questioning Paco's praxis in the Axis is understandable. There is a lot of specialization within the Axis of Fedora. First and foremost, you have the Axis Storm Troopers like Da Techguy, Smitty and Stacy, and Bob Belvedere just to name but a very few. Then you have the lesser known units within the Axis. It is in one of these that we will find Paco... if you are very, very observant. Paco is in the Clandestine Investigative Axis; affectionately known as the Slurpee Spooks. He is a master of disguise changes and camouflage. A member of the unwashed liberal masses may not even see him, let along identify him as a member of the Axis of Fedora.

Here is perhaps the only photo in existence while Paco is on duty. (This is one single shot. Paco is a quick change artist. The only 'shopping done was to remove the phone booth between the 'two' images where Paco did his quick change.)

"Are you trying to tell us that they are the same person?"

"Yes."

"But, but they are so different! One has a brown fedora; the other, gray. One is wearing a gray suit; the other, brown. One is wearing a brown trench coat with an orange tie. The other is a light gray tie. One looks to the right; the other, straight ahead. One is right handed; the other, left. One is sipping on a cherry Slurpee; the other a pina colada Slurpee. One has the aura of Clint Eastwood; the other, John Wayne. Wow, no wonder there is confusion as to Paco's membership in the Axis of Fedora."

"Indeed."

TOTUS Reveals POTUS' Understanding of Latest Terrorist Activity

President Obama's statement this afternoon concerning the terrorist bombs sent by air freight gave only confirmation of the their existence but very little information.

So in order to find out more about this situation we hacked into TOTUS to become more informed. You see, POTUS and TOTUS have been together so long that they have mind melded. TOTUS has direct access to POTUS' Broca's area in his left inferior frontal gyrus. In the lab we refer to them/it as PTOTUS. And after this great length of time TOTUS has been able to extend its reach further into POTUS' cerebral cortex and the frontal lobe's thought processes.

Here is what we found out:

"Why did these gentlemen from Yemen send the bombs? What did America do to make them hate us? Are they in such a backward region that they don't know that George Bush is no longer President and that I am the President now? Are they retaliating against the Ground Zero mosque haters? Are they striking at the racist, sexist, homophobic, Islamophobic bigots of the Tea Party ilk? Are they warning America not to vote for Republicans next Tuesday? I'm glad they stopped the bombs heading for Chicago since I'm going there to campaign this weekend. I hope at least some of those unwashed peons are able to understand my deep thoughts. I hope none of them touch me... ick! Can you get a cheeseburger and fries in India?"

Received this email today:

I'm excited to gather with supporters in Chicago tomorrow.

We've got a lot of work to do to keep moving America forward. But this movement has never backed down from a tough fight.

I hope you can join me. If you haven't already, please let us know you'll join by clicking here.

Hope to see you there,

President Barack Obama

Supporters Gather in Chicago

President Obama and the Democrats After the Ditch

President Obama's trite analogy.

"Imagine the Republicans driving the economy into a ditch. And it's a deep ditch. It's a big ditch. And somehow they walked away from the accident, and we put on our boots and we rappelled down into the ditch. We've been pushing, pushing, trying to get that car out of the ditch.

"Meanwhile, the Republicans are standing there, sipping on a Slurpee. Fanning themselves. We're hot and sweaty and pushing, and they're kicking dirt into the ditch. Getting it into our faces. But that's okay. Every once in a while we'd ask them, "Do you want to come down and help?" They'd say, "No, but you're not pushing the right way, though. Push harder."

"Finally, we get this car out of the ditch, and it's banged up. It needs some body work, needs a tune-up. But it's pointing in the right direction. The engine is turning and it's ready to go. And we suddenly get this tap on our shoulders. We look back, who is it? The Republicans. And they're saying, "Excuse me, we want the keys back." But you can't have the keys back. You don't know how to drive!

"We can't have special interests sitting shotgun.We've got to have middle-class families up in front. We don't mind the Republicans joining us. They can come for the ride, but they got to sit in back."

Well, the President and the Democrats got the car out of the ditch and didn't give the keys back to the Republicans. All they needed now was for someone middle class to sit up front with them.

"Jump in and ride shotgun, Mr. Bisbelas!"

Interviews with Authors Daniel Hannan and Stanley Kurtz

1) Peter Robinson of NRO's Uncommon Knowledge 5 part interview with British MP Daniel Hannan about his new book, A New Road to Serfdom: A Letter of Warning to America.

2) Kathryn Jean Lopez interview with Stanley Kurtz on his newest book, Radical-in-Chief: Barack Obama and the Untold Story of American Socialism.

Good stuff.

Vice President Joe Biden is Right

On a recent stump, Vice President Joe Biden stated, “Every single great idea that has marked the 21st century, the 20th century and the 19th century has required government vision and government incentive.”

One oft heard complaint against ObamaCare is that it will stifle new developments in the medical field. Just recently, however, ObamaCare gave government vision and government incentive for another great technological breakthrough.

There already exists a technique called Balloon Sinuplasty to relieve painful blocked sinuses by inserting a catheter up into the sinus, inflating a balloon, and allowing the sinus to drain:

And now through government vision and government incentive a new technological advancement has vaulted into the limelight. It is called Walletoplasty and is designed to allow ObamaCare to relieve blocked up wallets:

"I've almost got it. Just lean forward or better yet, bend over."

Vice President Biden was right!

Researching the Liberal Gene: UPDATE

As I walked into our secret basement laboratory this morning I saw several scientists huddled around a computer monitor. Most were laughing; some were face-palming; one had experienced the heartbreak of urinary incontinence. (Coulda been bowel as well, I didn't check too closely.)

I finally got one of our geneticists to stop laughing long enough to tell me what the jocularity was all about. He told me that Dr. Fowler's research at UC-San Diego found a Liberal Gene. I knew that we had already found this gene a couple of years ago so I couldn't figure out what was so funny. Apparently Dr. Fowler's study was flawed and they had pinpointed the wrong gene.

I'm sure most of my readers have read about Dr. Fowler's research by now, but if not here's on place to pick up some of the main points.

If you are interested in the more accurate research done in our lab, I will excerpt a small portion of our study's abstract:

The gene located in human DNA that corresponds to the Liberal mindset is mutant variation that we named DOH3. DOH3 is instrumental in the synthesis of L-DOPEE (L-3,4-dihydroxyphenylethylethanol) from the amino acid L-tyrantosine. L-DOPEE is the precursor in the production of the faulty neurotransmitter Dopeemine and L-epinephrine (Liberal adrenaline). These two molecules are classified in a liberal group labeled catatonicamines which produce hypersensitivity, overblown feeling of crisis, feelings of superiority, distrust of unwashed masses, irrationality, and jock itch, among several others.

No corrective gene therapy has yet been found.

Here's an electron micrograph of the DOH3 taken during our research:

Funny Money

From Hope n' Change:

Previewing Mexican Restaurants

Back in the day, we would spend quite a lot of time in central and eastern Mexico. Mostly we worked in the state of Zacatecas between the cities of Zacatecas and Fresnillo. We would always cartoon over a running joke before entering a restaurant or cantina to get something to eat. We would first check around the outside of the building. If we saw any dogs or cats around outside we would think it was a safe place to eat. If no dogs or cats were seen we would pass up the place expecting that the meat in the meals would be using those for ingredients.

That was quite a long time ago, so imagine my surprise after ordering a Mexican pizza and small drink at a chain restaurant here in Wisconsin today:

P'too, p'too, p'tooy... Crap, I just coughed up a furball!

Can't Now Say that Grandpa John's Ain't Got No Culture

(H.T.'s Keith Burgess-Jackson and Legal Insurrection.)

Vikings Issue Favre a New Jersey

In light of the Vikings' recent quality of play and other outside developments, the team has issued a new jersey to quarterback Brett Favre:

(Inspired by Real Debate.)

Axis of Taxorable

In our neck of America's Dairyland we have been having fun in the north 40 with automotivators and Axis of Fedora spin-offs:

(

(The TrogloPundit)

For Tuesday, November 2nd, we can get a little more serious:

Singing Truth to Power

(H.T. Left Coast Rebel.)

Cheddorable

Updating The TrogloPundit's This Week in Automotivators:

I may have to offer apologies to Todd, too, but I have no idea why.

(H.T. Fishersville Mike.)

And He Thinks He Has His Family Scooped

Todd seems to think that Lance and I have fumbled as badly as Favre.

Well, Mr. Pterod, if you would have come to your own father's birthday party or even looked at my truck the get together before that, you would have seen:

The Teleprompter: The Gift that Keeps on Giving

From India's Daily News and Analysis:

A teleprompter will be in use for the first time in the Central Hall of Parliament when US President Barack Obama addresses MPs on November eight.

As per the tentative programme being worked out, the address by Obama, who once said that "America has its roots in the India of Mahatma Gandhi", would not be for more than 20 minutes.

Obama to the Indian Parliament:

You're no smarter than the grade schoolers and Obmanunists that I normally speak to.

And it's always a good time to reintroduce this cartoon from the archives:

(H.T. Allahpundit.)

And I Approve This Message

Further on down the trail, Josie holds another conversation:

 (Hope n' Change)

Many thanks to Smitty for the link and republication. Smitty and Stacy have perhaps done more to promote the election of individual Conservatives than anyone in the blogosphere.

Winning a place on Paco's Video Library is better than a Pulitzer Prize or an Oscar.

Mr. Pterodactyl Has Never Seen Jurassic Park?

Todd claims Pterovalanchic Doom:

Oh, ye of little faith. Have you never seen Jurassic Park?

The NFL Tightens Hard Contact Rules

Lots of chatter today concerning the NFL's crackdown on the ubiquitous tackling that's been happening during recent games. Opinions vary and are always offered with gusto.

(The Blogprof gives his opinion.)

We here at Grandpa John's know that you come to us for concise, accurate analysis on these matters, so without further ado, here goes:

Although the game of pro football will be eternally changed, the NFL is a business so they need to protect their investments:

"Ref, he's looking up my skirt. Flag 'im for bum-looking!"

"Get him... Grab his flag!"

"Hines Wards should receive a 3 games suspension and $500,000 fine for this hit."

Reporters and photographers will have to adapt as well so they do not get suspended from NFL games:

"No head shots!"

"Bummer!"

But this rule will protect players and teams from more than just vicious tackles on the field:

"Ma'am, can you pick the offender out of this lineup?" 

And most of all, this new rule will protect the league's franchise:

"No head shots of either kind, Brett!"

UPDATE: Deanna Favre issued a statement yesterday saying, "Those alleged pictures that Brett allegedly sent to that reporter were allegedly meant for me - but you know Brett - they were intercepted!"

(Alleged H.T. Grandpa Jerry.)

In November, America Will Heed President Obama's Advice

We're gettin' you out of the way so we can clean up the mess!

Spare Time on my Hands

Just for fun I began searching Facebook for Burris that I might be interested to know. In the United States Burri is not a very common name. However, there were hundreds to be found in Switzerland. There were several from Italy and Portugal.

Need to have somebody thumped? Give cousin Beat Burri a call:

Need some eye candy. Contact cousin Helene Burri:

There were some Hindu Burris, some Tamil Burris, some African Burris, and some Muslim Burris.

And in Khartoum, Sudan, there is a Burri Cemetery, a Burri Alshaif, a Burri Alshareif Cemetery, a Burri Aldraisa,  a Burri Almahas (sections of the city just west of the Blue Nile), and even a Burri Sports Club. I have no idea what that means.

The best that I can determine, Burri in Arabic means 'to shower.'

In Hindi, Burri means 'elder' or 'of a higher authority.'

And here I had only grown up thinking that I was part of a communist plot after Khrushchev pounded his shoe on a U.N. table exclaiming, "We will Burri you!"

I am so confused.

Politics Viewed from Space

About a year ago the scientists in our secret basement laboratory sent up a research satellite to orbit the planet. (Our neighbors think that it's just a regular chimney running up through our house.) Aboard was a specially built telescope able to make assessments beyond just taking purdy pictures. One special function is to be able to summarize political and economic effects of a political regime.

Here is the telescope's depiction of the effects of the Obama Administration over the past 22 months:

Defend Your Ideas

Philip Klein writes in the American Spectator:

Those who accept the idea that entitlement reform is the third rail of American politics should have to grapple with the rise of Rep. Paul Ryan.

...And his constituents aren't reflexively Republican. In fact, the Cook Political Report ranks his district as the 218th most Republican out of 435 Congressional districts, putting it smack in the middle.

..."My district went for Clinton, Dukakis, Gore and Obama, and I've campaigned on these issues, and I've won on these issues. And my reelection average is 64 percent."

"I don't see Republicans necessarily running for the hills away from entitlement reform,..."

"We knew we could survive these assaults,..."

"2010 is a proxy fight, or a shadow boxing match, to the real fight in 2012," Ryan said. "2012 is the fight for the soul of America. What kind of country do we want to be in the 21st century? Do we want to be a mediocre nation where we manage our decline like Western Europe, and we become a cradle to grave welfare society, or do we want to get the American idea back?"

"...defend your ideas,..."

Defend your ideas

At least 'open carry' is legal in Wisconsin.

(H.T. Paco.)

This Year I'm Really Looking Forward to Our First Blizzard

Winter in Wisconsin will never be considered a hardship ever again since ITP Camp for Grownups has introduced its new Glacier Embracing Suit. I like to call it the Glacial Huggie Snuggie.

I can see it now. A blizzard buries our cars in the driveway and makes our sidewalks impassable. No problem. I can just call my boss and say that I cannot shovel my way out and can't come to work because I am saving the newly formed and endangered Milton Avenue glacier. I will instead go out and give it a loving hug to let it know it is loved and appreciated. My boss will tell me that it is OK, my checks will still be electronically deposited and that he will see me in the late spring.

My wife will be equally understanding of the great needs of our planet and my tender care of it. She will be happy to sacrifice shopping trips as well as visiting our young grandchildren until next year.

There will be harmony. We will be one with our mother Earth:

And Jupiter will align with Mars. Peace will guide the Planet in the Age of Frozen Aquarius...

As I freely drift within my Utopian bliss a rational thought rudely interrupts:

"Steve, you make me sooo mad. I told you to get the 15 round magazines, not the 10! Now get your lazy, no good ass up and shovel me out so I can see my grandbabies!"

(H.T. Doug Powers.)

Captain's Log, Stardate 2010...

On the bridge of the Starship U.S.S. Socialize:

"The Teabagulins are amassing in every quadrant. Full power to Deflector Shields. Fire Spin Torpedoes! Set Phasers to 'Tax.'"

"Engineering! This is the Captain speaking. Ensign Timmy, we need more power!"

"Captain, She's giving all she's got! It's already overtaxing our cloaking device and it's about to fail!"

He's Everywhere, He's Everywhere! (Part II)

Inspired by the criticism from the infamous 'first pitch' at a Chicago White Sox game while wearing mom jeans and by Rush Limbaugh calling the President 'Imam Obama,' the White House advisors have begun this new money raising scheme through the inner-tubes:

The perfect Sweetest Day or Christmas Holiday gift!

(Made in China)

He's Everywhere, He's Everywhere!

We recently received this email:

We decided instead to take our $3 and go to a nearby Mickey D's and order off the dollar menu. We picked up a McDouble, a McChicken, and a small fry. The order contained game pieces of some sort that is supposed to have a 1 in 4 chance to win something. We peeled off our game piece and discovered that we were an instant winner... a backstage visit with President Obama.

We took the winning piece to the counter and asked if we could have a small order of fries instead. The clerk told us that it was impossible, but that we could trade it for a couple of packets of ketchup. Deal! But we had to pay tax on it. Deal.

Whew! That was close.

Who's Running Against Paul Ryan?

In a few minutes the History Channel is airing a program about hippies and the counter culture. I have to watch to see if any of my old friends or I made any of the segments. Until then I wanted to take a little time to see who the Democrats are running against Wisconsin's 1st Congressional District Representative Paul Ryan. As I pictured a couple of posts back, a neighbor had a 'Stop Ryan' yard sign, but didn't have a sign for the candidate.

Ryan's opposition in this year's election is a man named John Heckenlively from Racine, WI. I found a couple of articles in the Racine Journal Times that gave information about Heck' here and here. I will summarize with excerpts from both articles.

Mr. Heckenlively, why are you running?

"If nobody wants to run, well, I'll jump in."

What do you do for a living?

"I am currently unemployed, but am the secretary of the 1st Congressional District Democratic Party."

What do you consider to be Paul Ryan's weaknesses?

"Ryan does not represent the district. There is the Wisconsin side where he comes across as the friendly neighborhood guy. Then he goes back to Washington and he becomes the extreme conservative Paul Ryan who sides with Republicans 95 percent of the time."

What are some of the issues that you espouse?

"Unemployment benefits should be extended until the economy improves. I also support the overall health care reform bill. But ultimately the answer is eliminating the current health insurance industry and starting a universal single payer health care system, which would save hundreds of billions of dollars in administrative costs. I also believe government needs to spend within its means, but I recognize there are situations such as the current economic crisis, where the government may have to deficit spend to get out of the crisis."

Thank you, Mr. Heckenlively!

Ma'am, can you pick the Democrat's 1st Congressional District of Wisconsin candidate out of this line up?

Uhhh, I think... No, it's that one. No, no, I guess I can't.

Finally, A Video I Can Watch with my Grandkids

(H.T. Gateway Pundit.)

Perusing the Neighborhood Signs

Mine:

Just down the street:

I noticed the 'Stop Ryan' sign amid all the Democrat candidate signs. Paul Ryan DOES have an opponent:

'Give 'em Heck'' says:

I am running against Paul Ryan for one simple reason: his vision for the United States is truly frightening. If his radical ideas ever saw the light of day they would further destroy America.

Another sign in that yard:

Are they advising the Obama Administration and Congress?

Better get back to my truck before they come out and yell at me!

Accelerator to the floor. squealing tires, burning rubber.

The President Promises Tough

Michael A. Memoli writes in the LA Times:

Reporting from Washington —
A Republican majority in Congress would mean "hand-to-hand combat" on Capitol Hill for the next two years, threatening policies Democrats have enacted to stabilize the economy, President Obama warned Wednesday.

Take that, you Republican!

Say what?

Chick fight!