New ACORN Target

In Don Surber's inbox:

My Dog…

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants, 24/7/365. His meals are provided at no cost to him. He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this, he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him. He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep. If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep. He receives these accommodations absolutely free. He is living like a king, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day. I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head: Holy S##t!!!

My dog is a Democrat!

Footprints in the Sand

In 2010:

Via Michelle Malkin.

Champs Sports Bowl, 2009

Miami More a Sneeze Than a Hurricane vs. Wisconsin - Angel Melendez

Wisconsin 20, Miami 14

Sam Oleson:

John Clay proved why he is one of the top backs not only in the Big Ten, but in the nation as well, bumping and bruising his way to over 100 yards against a Miami defense that was trying with all its might to stop the run. I believe that with this performance, along with the fact that his entire offensive line is returning, Clay should be right in the thick of Heisman talk next year.

Scott Tolzien also played extremely well in a crucial moment, proving there should be no question about who plays quarterback for Wisconsin next year. He managed the game exactly like a Wisconsin quarterback should, not trying to win the game, but simply making plays when he needed to.

Screw Ups and Proud of It

Would someone kindly explain this to me:

Al Qaeda in the Arabian Peninsula on Monday claimed responsibility for the attack on a U.S. airliner bound for Detroit on Christmas Day, saying it was retaliation for a U.S. operation against the group in Yemen.

Be very afraid, American pigs! It was our ability to train for and co-ordinate the Christmas attack that demolished a pair of Fruit-of-the-Looms and badly singe a scrotum. We may be next.

We are also training our men and women to litter, leave their cars idling, run with scissors, counterfeit carbon credit certificates, and disregard recycling laws.

Submit to Sharia or our flaming pubic hair will terrorize the planet.

The Not JFK Photo

I thought it more than a little comical that so many were fooled into thinking that the now-famous picture of nude ladies frolicking on a yacht with someone thought to be John Kennedy. Anyone closely inspecting the photo can see who that individual man lounging on the boat was. Even with the deteriorating paper and cracking one can plainly recognize the dude:





Why else do you think Lance has delayed his Presidential run?

Group Petitions to Start New NBA Team

Inspired by several recent events a group of Yemeni sheiks have petitioned the NBA to start a new pro basketball team in Newark, New Jersey.

The new team is to be called the Newark Knickerbombers.

The Knickerbomber mascot:

The mascot has yet to learn to dunk from a mini-trampoline.

The team motto is 'Is that a bomb in your pants or are you just dreaming of 72 virgins?'

Favre Injured, But Expected to Play Against Bears

Anonymous medical sources in the Minnesota Viking organization have revealed to me that earlier this week quarterback Brett Favre has sustained an injury during a offensive team meeting. Although his availability for Monday night's game in Chicago will be a game time decision, all expect that he will play.

My sources explained that Favre suffered depressor labii inferioris and depressor anguli oris muscle strains with the possible involvement of the mentalis muscles. The condition is termed 'Poutman's Syndrome' that is most commonly suffered by extremely disgruntled persons, usually children. It's symptoms include an extended and quivering lower lip.

This condition will not effect his ability to throw or run, but may inhibit Favre's ability to properly enunciate audibles at the line of scrimmage.

Example of Poutman's Syndrome sufferer's symptoms:

Packers Make Playoffs

"Hey, Hunter, with the Packers' win over the Seahawks today and the Giants' loss, the Packers are in the playoffs!"



"How long ya been a Packer fan anyway?"

"All my life... er... at least since April or May anyway."

"How'd ya get that stain on your new shirt?"

"Grandpa Steve fed me some strained jalapeños with my nachos during the Packer game!"

"That's too bad."

"No problem... you should see his new shirt!"

An Academic's Take on Sarah Palin

Mention Sarah Palin to a Ph.D. and what do you expect to get? I envision a lot of things, but this is generally not one of them:

She is a warrior, she could live off of the land during the Zombie Apocalypse,...

History as Reported by Modern MSM

The Christmas Holiday is complete. Now for the reporting of it by the modern main stream media:

(Click to enlarge)

(The People's Cube)

Photographing the Essence of Washington

On a recent field trip to Washington a student got this shot:

Protecting the Carpet

I showed this article to our pastor the other day:

'My advice, as a Christian priest, is to shoplift,' he told his stunned congregation at St Lawrence and St Hilda in York.

'I would ask that they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses, knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.

'I would ask them not to take any more than they need. I offer the advice with a heavy heart. Let my words not be misrepresented as a simplistic call for people to shoplift.

I told him that if he ever stated something like this from the pulpit we would immediately shut down the sound system and would go up and demand repentance and recantation. If it were not forthcoming, we would physically escort him to his vehicle and force him off of the property.

This would occur not only because these statements are Marxist class division rhetoric and totally unbiblical, but also because his wife and family would make the church a bloody mess while tearing him a new one.

On the Cutting Edge of Modern-Modern Science

We here at Burrina Critter Food Company have always been at the cutting edge of scientific product innovation. As the main paradigms of scientific inquiry have shifted, we have kept up with the trends. Back when genetic studies on macro-evolution were the rage, we developed Burrina Drisophila Chow to keep the fruit flies reproducing like... well, fruit flies.

As the modern-modern-modern scientific paradigm came into vogue with the man-made global warming scientific data manipulating techniques, we have adjusted our products to keep the tills filling.

Other corporations and manufacturers have had difficulties. The oil companies are constantly under fire. Two-thirds of the American automobile manufacturers are government owned or controlled. Even the pet food industry is soon to take the hit.

We here at Burrina have rolled with the punches. No one has yet dared claim 'Drisophila melanogaster caused global warming.' And with the onslaught of data massage techniques we have developed the new hot brand for geneticists using AGW scientific principles:

"'GETTING THE DATA THAT YOU'VE PREDETERMINED' Formula"

It is now our top seller!

Christmas Proves the Dire Need for ObamaCare

The danger of Christmas for both adults and the children further proves our dire straits and highlights the great need for the passage of ObamaCare:

A casualty doctor has warned that carving the Christmas turkey while drunk or popping champagne corks could seriously damage the population's health on Christmas Day.

...every year over the festive period he deals with a host of injuries as families get together.

...exploding Christmas tree lights, which caused small burns to eyelids and eyeballs, and zips caught on eyelids as people struggled to try on a new jumper.

...burns from the oven, older people choking on their turkey and nasty hand and limb injuries caused by people trying to get stones out of avocados...

...eye injuries from poking themselves with Christmas tree branches while getting presents from under it.

...children suffering after poking themselves or others in the eye with new toys and glitter fragments in the eye from cards or craft activities.

...injuries caused by preparing and cooking the Christmas dinner.

People are likely to burn themselves on the oven or cut themselves as they carve the turkey - particularly if they have been drinking alcohol.

We will always see someone who chokes over Christmas, often the elderly.

Oh, please help us, President Obama, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi! Santa is trying to kill us!

A Party of 'No!'

This past weekend I attended a pre-holiday party in a friend's home. The host, as well as most of the attendees were quite liberal. Although it is generally considered bad form to instigate discussions of religion or politics at such events, I am not shy about those topics.

In this case, I do not recall how the conversation actually started, but ObamaCare became the headline topic of the hour. As I listened to the usual Liberal memes that included the 'fact' that the Republicans were the party of 'NO!,' I turned to the host and said, "Bob, I really have to go to the bathroom. So in keeping in the spirit of the ongoing discussion, would you mind if I took a major dump over there by your holiday tree?"

"What? That would be gross! No, you can't!"

"Well, how about just one small turd and a couple of big farts then?"

"NO! What kind of crazy request is that?"

"Could I just take a whiz in the corner behind the tree?"

"No! Steve, what's wrong with you today? Are you on crack or something?"

"Well, I can see that this is a party of 'No!'

A lady attendee named Alicia broke the long stunned silence, "Wasn't that tofu loaf we had for dinner great?"

"NO!"

Screwing in a Light Bulb

How does Barack Obama screw in a light bulb?

He holds the bulb and lets the world revolve around him.

Intergalactic Blog Wars Due to Simple Misunderstanding

Our little Ewok Sheeple spy, Izzy Wan Pooperbi, has just returned to the fleet via a surveillance pod from a secret mission aboard the Sheeple Starship with much valuable information.



During Izzy's debriefing, we learned many things to report to Lancikin concerning Princess Sheeple's barbaric attack on the civilized planet of Trogloblogica as well as her future evil plans. (During that same debriefing we also discovered many other unpleasant items that we do not wish to discuss here.)

Princess Sheeple, jealous of Lancikin's brilliant commentary, took some of his statements and concocted a disinformation campaign to disseminate to her minions via the obamatron media services. Along with a faked picture through Royters, her easily lead Sheeplets were inflamed against the honorable and peaceful denizens of Trogloblogica and were amenable to an unprovoked attack.



Izzy was also able to determine that Princess Sheeple was presently speeding with her new found booty to a party discotheque on a distant planet.



What was the misunderstanding that Princess Sheeple exploited? When Stacy McCain expressed interest in a trip to Pasadena to see a football game, no one could figure out why Princess Sheeple wanted to go along. Everyone just assumed that the good husband Stacy wanted to get the Mrs. Other McCain the trip to Pasadena to let her watch her home state's Buckeyes play the Oregon Ducks in the Rose Bowl game on January 1st. None would have guessed that either Stacy or the Princess would care to experience the anguish of personally witnessing their beloved Crimson Tide get stampeded and trampled by the Texas Longhorns.

Brutal Blog Assault

Carol of No Sheeples Here brutally and viciously attacks the venerable Lance without provocation. Lance is the most dignified proprietor of The TrogloPundit.

I wonder who might be next on Carol's list? Mother Teresa? Mr. Rogers? The Dali Lama? Barney the Dinosaur?

Nonetheless, the outcome is assured:

"Mmmmm... tastes like chicken."

Christmas Dangers

There are many stories of strange and dangerous aspects involved in imported goods. Watch out for that tarantula in the bunch of bananas. And the scorpion. And the poisonous spider.

Lately, products of China have been culprits in similar horror stories. Those Chinese toys will poison your child with lead if he doesn't choke on the small parts first. The list goes on... light truck tires, toothpaste, sea food, dry wall...

In January of this year we purchased a pre-lit Christmas tree at a bargain price to celebrate the season. The tree was made in China and when we put it up a few days ago we were in for quite a surprise.



We found and hired a cat psychic to help us figure out what had happened. After witnessing a lengthy psychic conversation she told us that the undocumented Chinese cat had stowed away in our tree to escape the melamine tainted food that the rats and mice were eating back home and ending up in the systems of all his kitty friends after catching and eating the vermin. He had lost several family members and many friends as a result and purposed to escape the slaughter. He said he couldn't wait to get his paws on some good ol' American Fancy Feast Elegant Medleys, particularly the Sea Food and Whipped Egg Souffle with Pacific Shrimp and Garden Greens.

To avoid an international incident and because we are an undocumented cat sanctuary, we obliged.



When we found out how much the grandkids loved this stuff, we got the cat some dry Purina One and are serving the Fancy Feast to the kids for Christmas dinner.

UPDATE: The cat is fast becoming a football fan and wanted to experience a live game as an American spectacle. A kind and generous reader has offered to the cat a ticket to the BCS Championship game in Pasadena to watch the Longhorns perform a global cooling decline on the Crimson Ebb Tide. The reader had originally intended to offer the ticket to some chick named Carol, but thought this a more worthy object of generosity.

Tiger Woods Gains Endorsement Contract

Although Tiger Woods' recent antics have jeopardized many endorsements and affiliations, there is at least one that is willing to take him on:

'Cause you were thinkin' with your dipstick, Tiger!

The Sexiest House in the Country

Now that it is fully dressed, it may be hard to see that this is actually the sexiest house in the country:



But President Obama knows that it is. He spoke of it earlier this week at a Home Depot:

President Barack Obama said Tuesday that home insulation "is sexy," his newest appeal for Congress to pass incentives for homeowners who make their homes more energy efficient.

"Here's what's sexy about it. It saves money," the president said at a Northern Virginia Home Depot store. He was joined at the outlet by members of Congress representing Virginia and labor and business leaders involved in services to lower use of natural resources consumed by homeowners.

The President must have peeked and saw our house naked and preparing to put on all this sexy insulation:



Now if we could just insulate ourselves from the Democrat Legislative and Executive branches of the Federal Government!

Comment of the Day, 12/14

William Jacobson on Legal In-sur-rec-tion asks his readers to rate this Firedoglake post as 'Prattle, Twaddle, or Drivel?'

Reader Roy Lofquist of Titusville, Florida takes the bait and responds in a comment:

Dear Mr. Jacobson,

That was mean. I had to wash my mouth out with gin after the first paragraph.

Regards,
Roy

Roy does not have a blog... but, he should!

Things that Brett Favre Should Have Learned from Aaron Rodgers

Viking quarterback Brett Favre has long been known to be a little slow on the uptake. At the start of his career with the Atlanta Falcons, he would come to games still somewhat drunk and hungover from 'six-packing'. His long career with the Green Bay Packers often featured an inability or outright refusal to follow coaching direction. What some called 'gun-slinging,' we all too often called 'pick-sixing.' Former Packer coach Mike Holmgren could regale you for days with such stories.

Nevertheless, Brett Favre has displayed a near miraculous longevity and success that has produced the league record for league records. And the count is continuing upward with the Vikings.

There are a couple of records for which Favre's pursuit has been frustrated. Lance has been chronicling (Updated chronicle) the chase for some time now. The two most coveted, but elusive records are career fumbles, currently held by Warren Moon, and career sacks, held by John Elway. Favre is approaching those at a snail's pace even though both are well within reach.

Lance is a bigger Favre fan than I, probably since he wasn't a living witness to the Packers' Glory Days of the 1960's so perhaps doesn't understand Favre's greatest weakness. He still is unteachable. Had he listened to those wiser than he, he would have those two other records bearing his name right now.

The present Packer quarterback, Aaron Rodgers, sat on the bench 'learning' from Farve for three years before Favre retired, or not, and then was given the boot, or not. As irony would have it, if Favre would have spent those three years learning from Rodgers, he would have owned two more records already. The last time I checked Aaron Rodgers had been sacked 20 more times than Favre this season. Had Favre learned from Rodgers, the sack record would be his. In Sunday's game against the Bears, Rodgers fumbled twice... during the same play. Had Favre learned from Rodgers, he would also have seen Warren Moon in his rear view mirror.

If Brett Favre would have taken to larnin' instead of Mississippi bullhead gun-slingin', he would be even a more-record holder. As it is, these distinctions are in jeopardy. When the Packers play the Vikings again, this time in the NFC second round or the NFC Championship, the game will end with a Packer victory after Brett throws an interception in overtime allowing a Packer field goal to beat them.

Then Brett Favre will retire... or not... this time for sure... maybe. Well, yeah, for sure, so he can go to his grandchildren's graduations and stuff. I don't know... he can't end his career with an interception...

True Leaders are not Born that Way, They're Molded

There are many Conservatives who laughably say that government is inept at doing many things and cannot run a 2,000 page health care plan efficiently or inexpensively. That's just silly. Everything government touches turns to gold. So what if one has to wait in line for three hours to determine that he is is the wrong line? There's nothing wrong with a little sacrifice. 'Ask not what your government can do for you, but ask what you can do for your government.'

At present, the great state of Missouri is leading the way. In order to save the Earth, Missouri banned a certain nasty pollutant from use on its pristine waterways. Some are criticizing the move simply because the legislators mixed up polypropylene with polystyrene. Anybody could make that mistake.

Still legal on Missouri's waterways:

The new law has inspired a new TV series. Good for more jobs and heady entertainment.

"Delko, hand me that test kit... presumptive tests for polypropylene. We don't want another case thrown out of court for confusing polypropylene with silicone."

Clickity, Click, Click... Send

This just in from Louise Grey, Environment correspondent in Copenhagen for the Telegraph.co.uk:

Next year will be the hottest on record, the Met Office has predicted, as scientists released the latest figures supporting evidence for climate change.

A new forecast for 2010 predicted it will be almost 1F (0.6C) higher than the long term average of 57F (14C) across the globe as a result of natural weather patterns and global warming.

The figures, presented at the UN Climate Change Conference in Copenhagen, come as scientists released a statement claiming global warming is “unequivocal” following ‘Climategate’.

Cue the sound of keyboard clicking...

From: Phil Jones
To: “Michael E. Mann”
Subject: Met Office 2010 Prediction
Date: Fri Dec 11 11:04:11 2009

Mike,

In regards to the recent Met Office prediction of 2010 to be the hottest evah:

Could you instruct the computer programming geek to write code involving a few new tricks for 2010?

Phil

Send

Militant Carbon Footprint Appears Over Norway

...like a berserker who’s discovered that the town he just sacked has short-changed him a couple of virgins and a keg of ale. (From the shelves of Paco's personal library)

"The Earth is in trouble. Send up the Moonbat-Signal."

(H.T. MailOnline to view original photo taken without moonbat lens filter.)

Global Warming Dusts Southern Wisconsin

Like most of Wisconsin, the Janesville area was hard hit by the December 8 & 9 snowstorm. The snow was wet and heavy causing a good number or trees and limbs to fall. Of course many power lines were also downed causing numerous power outages throughout the county.

But, it was pretty.

(Photo by Mary)

I'm not exactly camouflaged, but at least I won't be mistaken for a deer.

(Photo by Heather Deininger)


Even Sarah Palin came to visit and bagged a local polar bear.

(Photo by C. Smith)

The Evolution of the N.F.L.

Q: Grandpa Steve, how did the helmet-to-helmet personal foul penalty evolve?

A:

(Photo from SuperTremendous)

(H.T. Linkiest.)

C.R.U. Soccer

Ya can only hide the decline for so long.

Holiday Naivety Scene

A.C.L.U. approved for any public display.

Packers v. Ravens- MNF

Game summary:

President Obama & Copenhagen

President Obama has many critics concerning his going to Copenhagen later this month. Personally, I don't have a problem with it as long as...




...his teleprompter is programmed to tell him when to spit.

Good Ol' Boys From Alabama Come to Wisconsin to Become Great Men

For the past week, Carol of No Sheeples Here and I have been exchanging deep thoughts about the dubious quality of Crimson Tide football in preparation for their S.E.C. Championship game against the Florida Gators. Even The TrogloPundit struggled to decide for whom to root.

Alabama won the championship easily, so congratulations to them. Winning the S.E.C. championship is like winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics; a great and honorable achievement, but not exactly a world conquering development.

I did tell Carol in an e-mail that I was actually rooting for the Crimson Tide, but did not tell her why. Lance didn't mention it in his post, but there is really a strong connection between Alabama and Wisconsin in the area of sports. Good ol' boys from Alabama come to Wisconsin to become great men.

One good example of a Crimson Tide* coming to Wisconsin to become a man is Don Hutson. After attending the University of Alabama, Hutson was thought by most pro scouts to be too skinny to make it the big time. But Green Bay's Curly Lambeau realized that he could make this skinny college kid into a real man. And so he did. After 11 years as a Packer, Don Hutson still holds many NFL records for receiving, now mostly in the 'leading the league' category. Some consider him the greatest receiver ever. Hutson was also a three-way player and at times lead the league in interceptions as well as kicking field goals and 172 extra points.

Another example of Wisconsin's Man Up Factory products is quarterback Bart Starr. After graduating from Alabama, Starr wasn't even considered by the pros as a decent prospect. The Packers drafted him in the 17th, yes, the 17th, round because they knew that Wisconsin could make a great man out of him. In any discussion about the greatest NFL quarterbacks Starr is seldom highly regarded. As I've heard one expert say, "Setting aside his 5 NFL Championships, his League MVP, his two Super Bowl victories and two Super Bowl MVP's, Bart Starr really wasn't that great of a quarterback." Who could argue that logic?

Today's final example of an Alabaman learning greatness in Wisconsin is my all time favorite sports hero- Hank Aaron. He blossomed into greatness in Milwaukee. To this day, he still credits his success to Wisconsin cheese.

(* Is a single member of the Crimson Tide team called a Crimson Drip?)

Neutrality Does Not Mean Defenseless

The Swiss and guns:



After a visit to a holocaust museum as a youth:

[...]I promised myself that I would never be in her situation. I would want to be free; never in a situation where somebody could march us off to ovens or prisons or take away our freedom.

The key to freedom is the ability to be able to defend yourself and if you don't have the tools to do that then you are at the mercy of whoever wants to put you away. And the tools for that are guns.

Note the bumper stickers in the cabinet.

(H.T. Gator Doug through Bluegrass Pundit.)

Another Scofflaw Viking

ESPN:

Two days after star running back Adrian Peterson was cited for driving 109 mph in a 55 mph zone, his teammate, wide receiver Bernard Berrian, was ticketed for topping the century mark on an area interstate, according to media reports in the Twin Cities.

On Friday, the Minnesota State Patrol confirmed that Berrian was cited Monday night for driving 104 mph in a 60 mph zone on Interstate 694 in suburban Oakdale, according to reports.

Prediction for next week:

Viking quarterback Brett Favre was cited today for racing his lawn mower at speeds of over 8 MPH in a 5 MPH zone.

The Polar Bears, Daddy

In a Sears Blue Crew appliance ad a dad is encouraged by his little daughter to buy an energy saving dryer as she points to a picture of a polar bear and says, "The polar bears, Daddy." Of course, the crowd of encouragers also includes an environmental activist and news anchor.

OK, darling daughter, here's our plan to help win the global warming war to which you are so totally dedicated:

Try telling kids to walk to school carrying their books and a reusable cloth sack full of raw vegetables for lunch as opposed to riding on a bus, with a backpack a cell phone and an MP3 player, to a heated and cooled school that has a cafeteria, and see how eager they are to join the movement.

Melting Ice Sculpture Intended to Scare the Bejeezus Out of Us

(Not to be confused with this unrelated story.)

Excerpts:

A British hacker/sculptor carving a polar bear with Al Gore's head out of ice, with a bronze skeleton inside except for a jello spine, hopes to make a powerful environmental message when the Arctic animal art piece melts.

He said he was struck by the plight of the taxpayers due to climate change legislation, and became convinced "that we have got to do something about this and do it quick."

Observers will be encouraged to be interactive with the sculpture, he added, saying that anyone who touches it will help change the shape and "represent the human aspect of raping its citizens."

"We hope that this creative act will bring home to each person how human freedom has the power to affect the delicate egos of world leaders," he said.

"When the skeleton begins to appear, it's going to become terrifying. When the jello appears, it is going to take warmth through the skeleton and melt that ice with the red raspberry color," he said. "That is akin to a lack of spine in the U.S. Congress — the deep, dark blood sucking whirlpool that absorbs the fruit of others' labors and continually wastes it."

OK, OK... One Encore Request

Carol, the proprietor of No Sheeples Here has found out one of my famous past lives and is obviously requesting a song:



Well, away we go... ah-one and ah-two...



Watch closely and you will see what's in my refrigerator right now-- Warsteiner.

Part Way Out of the Closet

-A Thinly Veiled Allegory.
('Cause a lot of blog readers are pretty dense.)

Young Heather Carol lay sprawled out on the hallway floor. As she began to gather herself, she continued to hear the taunts of her schoolmates.

"Lezz-bow loser!"

"Bitty butch bi-atch!"

Heather Carol had heard all this before and had become quite numb to the slurs. But the bumping, pushing, tripping, and knocking books out of her hands were always tiresome.

"Homophobes!" she responded under her breath.

As she continued collecting her books, papers, and militant feminist and gay literature, she glanced up to see a guy all up in her stuff.

"Leave that alone and get out of here," she snapped.

"I'm just going to help pick up your things," he said with his back still toward her. "I hate it when those twits do stuff like this."

After he finished picking up the most wayward papers and books, he stacked them neatly and turned toward Heather Carol. He read a flier as he approached to return her things and said, "I disagree with many of these ideas, but I admire you for standing up so strongly."

He handed her things back to her and continued on his way to class.

Heather Carol was stunned. Th... that was Bucky, Bucky Friggin' Badgerton! The captain of the state champion football team. The lead in the school play. The senior class president. The one voted 'Most Likely to Succeed.' Bucky Badgerton.

A slack-jawed Heather Carol watched as Bucky disappeared around the corner. She stood dumbfounded and silent as she stared into the newly empty, quiet hallway.

The silent universe was suddenly shattered.

"Hey, H.C., you look like you've just fallen in love or somethin'. I'm already jealous. What's her name?"

It was Nicole Saban, Heather Carol's best friend.

"Uhhh... no, I... I just got all my stuff picked up."

"The marauding herd of homophobes again?"

"Yeah, yeah... hey, we'd better get to class."

Heather Carol's mind continued contemplating these events for the rest of the day. She feared that Nicole was right. She was. Heather Carol had indeed fallen in love... with a dude!

Heather Carol's cool exterior belied the panic that lay underneath. What would Nicole Saban think if she found out that she hearts Bucky Badgerton? And worse, what would her two mommies say about her forbidden love?

Heather Carol's two mommies were highly respected members of the militant lesbian community. Paula Bryant, nicknamed Bare 'cause she liked to protest naked, was the more masculine of the two. She always tended to leadership positions and was quite militaristic.

Josephina Wilemina Namath was Heather Carol's other mommy. Everyone called her Jo Willie. She was the more feminine mommy and was even known to publicly wear panty hose, usually considered a taboo in those circles.

"Perhaps they will understand or at least get over it quickly," Heather Carol hoped to herself while walking home.

When she entered the kitchen at home, she found her two mommies in a heavy discussion.

"Heather Carol, we are going to protest at that church that counsels gay and bi- people that they can escape the lifestyle as if it were just another choice," said Jo Willie. "Would you like to come?"

"Uhh... no. I really got a lot of homework."

"It's probably best," snarled Bare, "We's agonna break some windows and do some redecoratin'... hopefully on some hatin' homophobe's face!"

After the two mommies left, Heather Carol realized that her circumstances allowed only one feasible option. She would have to continue her outward militant feminist facade. But her soul and spirit were still free to soar above it all to rejoice in her true love for Bucky Badgerton.

"Some day," she thought, "I will be fully able to openly express my love for Bucky without fear of a bloody Crimson Tide of hate and retribution rising up against me. Some day!

(Side Note: To those coming over from Keith Burgess-Jackson and others who may not be regular readers: This post is a portion of a 'blog war' that I am enjoying with a rabid Alabama Crimson Tide fan in preparation for their upcoming S.E.C. Championship game. No other purpose is intended beside tweaking Alabama fans.)

The More Traditional Use of Death Panels

Francis W. Porretto writes in a post on Eternity Road titled Crackademia that relates science, government funding, and scientism.

Excerpts:

Science is dead. [...]

The euthanizing drug was money from the public till. [...]

The State will always prefer scientific "findings" that provide a justification for increasing its power. Inversely, it will frown on discoveries that undercut its rationales for power. [...]

When government began to fund scientific research in nominally private institutions, it changed the dynamic that directs researchers into particular channels. Worse, it changed the dynamic that determines success in the sciences, and what sort of person will pursue a career in them. Today's typical chief investigator is a master of grantsmanship: the fine art of:

* Writing a grant proposal that will catch the eye of a bureaucrat with funds to disburse;
* Maximizing the flow of funds made available through that grant;
* Keeping the grant alive, and the funds flowing, by never, ever conceding that his research has reached a definite conclusion. [...]

A positive feedback loop connects advanced grantsmanship and frequency of publication. The ability to get funded correlates positively with the ability to get published in prestigious scientific periodicals, which in turn steers the attention and respect of grant-making bureaucracies to the more published investigators, and round and round it goes.

(H.T. John Hudock, Commonsense & Wonder.)

Observations by Burt

Burt Prelutsky compares Hollywood and Washington:

In other words, if a genie somehow managed to switch everyone in Hollywood with everyone in Congress, you would barely notice it. In fact, aside from the fact that the paparazzi would all have to pack up and move east and that “Henry Waxman: The Musical!” would finally be green-lighted at Universal, life would go on as usual.

And:

Many years ago, radio wit Fred Allen observed that “You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, stick it in the navel of a flea, and still have room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent’s heart.” I say he was being too kind.

But, No Bacon... Yet

Only in Wisconsin:

I'll be looking to try some soon.

(H.T. FARK.com.)

Adrian Peterson Caught From Behind

ESPN Insider:

MINNEAPOLIS -- Minnesota Vikings star running back Adrian Peterson could lose his driver's license after police clocked him driving at 109 mph -- nearly twice the posted speed limit -- on a suburban Minneapolis highway last weekend.

Peterson told The Associated Press on Thursday that he "got a little speeding ticket. I need to be more aware of the speed I was going and not let it happen again."

Peterson was caught from behind by an off duty police officer driving a 1972 AMC Gremlin.

Glad I Got a Second Take

While on my way to work the other day I passed a van parked along the street. In its rear door windows it had a pair of bumper stickers that caught my eye. One said 'Obama' and the other 'John Deere.' Dejected at the correlation, I nearly changed my old time tractor favorite from John Deere to Farmall or even 'Nasty' Harris.

The next day the van had returned to its spot. I looked at the stickers again and noticed that the Obama sticker had a little extra. It actually said 'Impeach Obama.' I realized that John Deere had not turned to the dark side.

Childhood sights and sounds etched indelibly into my mind:



How can you tell that it is not Grandpa Jerry disking with that John Deere B? 'Cause he's driving in a reasonably straight line.

Woods' Equipment For Sale

FOR SALE:
One liberally used, disarticulated Brassie:

For more information contact:

Agent John Wayne Bobbitt.

Here Come the Tiger Jokes

What does Tiger Woods have in common with a baby seals? They both get clubbed by Norwegians.

That’s the first time Tiger Woods has failed to drive 300 yards.

Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree … he couldn’t decide between a wood and an iron. Perhaps Tiger should have used a driver.

Tiger’s wife went for him after he scored a birdie.

(From Wicked Thoughts.)

The Battle of the Bigs

If scientists who question anthropocentric global warming are to be dismissed as mouthpieces for Big Oil, may we also dismiss proponents of global warming as mouthpieces of Big Socialism?

Diplomacy Turns Tide in Regional Dispute

College football season is entering crunch time. Emotions run high and serious disputes are often sparked by the least supposed sleight. It, therefore, is incumbent that cool heads rise up and prevail.

Recently, this type of situation has arisen causing many to don various Kevlar products in their daily lives. Fortunately for this season espousing peace on Earth and goodwill toward men, a talented Cheesehead, skilled in the art of diplomacy has entered among the disputants with persuasive, erudite rhetoric and caused the tide to turn.

This diplomatic efficacy has gotten the attention of many possible Republican Presidential candidates. They have been seeking his services in case they need to change the attitudes and mindsets of adversaries such as Fidel & Raul Castro, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-il, and Hugo Chavez.

Our secret basement laboratory's researchers have scoured all data bases to find very large amounts of evidence that can be used to show the great abilities of this diplomat to a hungry public. Here's just one example of the many volumes of proof that they were able to amass:

"When any Badger starts talking we always cover our ears with our hooves and loudly sing, 'La-la-la-la, we can't hear you!'"